My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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