halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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