Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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