Apparently you make a good broom.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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