Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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