I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
