watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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