god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
