I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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