I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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