Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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