would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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