i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
