There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
