I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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