i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
