Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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