Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
