Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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