Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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