i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
