you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
