Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
