All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize