i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
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of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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