I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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