I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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