ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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