mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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