when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
