I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
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The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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