So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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