I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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