LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
