Too much gin, very little bucket
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
