Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
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You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i think my cat just said my name.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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