life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
