I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
