1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
