All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
