you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
