Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
