I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
