When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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