This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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