Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
