My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
