john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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