I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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