There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
