The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize